God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
