um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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