you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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