He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
