Don't make out with my wife yet
where am i from again
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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