I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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