Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
