I cannot find my penis.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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