The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
