I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
