i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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