lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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