you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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