I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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