I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
