you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
