i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
