take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
