Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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