He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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