Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
