no, he came in my armpit
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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