i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
