it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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