i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
