seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
