You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need a beard to bite.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
