Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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