It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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