hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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