He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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