The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
