I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
