I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
