I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
