you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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