i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
No subtext here. People are naked.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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