i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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