You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
