Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
