chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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