I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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