I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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