I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
