Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
