should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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