Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
