Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
