Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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