i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry about my life...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
