I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
