Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
