Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
