I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
