i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize